The Pulse Rd.14 - Why are people so unkind? | Thebigtip

As our editor is away the mice will play. Or are we rodents. Or was Moby correct in stating that we are all made of stars. Moby makes me sick to my stomach. Our editor has suffered some sickness as he is currently touring Sri Lanka, making a pilgrimage to the home of Kamahl and probably telling some poor people from Galle about the all-encompassing mess that the Essendon Football Club has turned into.

It was a brutal week for humanity. Does anyone know of a handy cure for syphilis? Asher?

The Barlow incident just decimated 99.98% of the SuperCoach teams. Furthermore, the made for TV film in progress which culminates in him winning the Brownlow has been shelved and instead that timeslot will probably be filled with a game-show hosted by Hot Dogs from Big Brother.

Ben Cousins stole the headlines from the Ayers Rock stripper with his latest blooper. Must admire the moxi of the guy as he strolled into Punt Rd with a coffee, claiming that it was a decaf.

Bittersweet week for people with the name of Mark Williams. Let’s hope the Port coach can recover from the stab-wounds in the back. Dean Laidley was later seen in the conservatory with a candlestick. Everyone’s favourite Bendigo Bombers player, Mark “Willow” Williams was given props in the media for his recent performances in the magoos. I personally preferred the Mark Williams of early 1990s musical fame.

1    Geelong:     + (2)    505 freakin disposals. It was like watching the big kids in school playing keepings off. I expected them to play brandy or British bulldogs in the final quarter.

2    Collingwod:    + (3)    Daisy Thomas is now on Twitter.  His tag is DT_13. Obviously he is referring to the number of hard-ball gets he achieved in his first 100 games. But overall the Pies are looking ominous – which has 3 syllables. .

3    St Kilda:    - (1)    Languid victory against the Dees. I tried to watch, but ended up doing a Jerry Lewis and fleeing during the gig.

4    Hawthorn:    + (5)    Biggest comeback since John Farnham reinvigorated his career with Whispering Jack. Wendy Matthews and Marcia Hines will be singing back-up for the Hawks next week.

5    Western Bulldogs:    - (4)    Rocket has stated that the Bullies are still a chance for the premiership. I tested out that bloody octopus on this statement. The octopus chose Spain.

6    Fremantle:    = (6)    Breaking his leg and the hearts of the Dockers supporters. Let’s hope the kid comes back, because Ryan Crowley is not going to save them every week. Looks like the Top 4 is a pipedream which means I will not have to dance on a table at the Camel wearing a tutu.

7    Sydney:    = (7)    Their mistake was that they drank lattes instead of their normal long macchiato. Still are outstanding in their consistently mediocre performances. 

8    Carlton:    + (9)    Just way too hard to read where these guys will finish up. Beating up Geelong and St Kilda, losing to Nth Melbourne and Fremantle at home…. May have to revert to the fucking octopus again.

9    North Melbourne:    - (8)    Anything Barlow can do, Ziebell can do better. Shocking luck for this fella. Also found their baby-blue uniforms kind of made me realize that a lot of my friends are having kids.

10    Richmond:    + (10)    Wowzers. Crazy times for these kids. Dusty Martin must be wondering what he signed up for. Get well soon Benny.

11    Brisbane:    = (11)    It is indeed nice to see Vossie eating humble pie. After signing Fev last summer, I believe next summer he will try to sign LeBron, Wade and Bosh.

12    Melbourne:    = (12)    For 21 minutes of the 4th quarter they failed to penetrate their forward 50. This is the amount of time it takes for Britons to choose to buy a house. I am trying to bore you on purpose.

13    Adelaide    + (14)    They beat up Essendon in the rematch of last year’s Elimination Final. Only this time there was nothing on the line, and no-one really cared.

14    Essendon:    - (10)    Life gets miserable when Jay Neagle is seen as the answer.

15    West Coast:    = (15)    This is getting a bit disturbing for Nic Nat. Rising star was all his a few months ago. Now I think he may do well to rediscover the Bassendean Oval and all its glory.

16    Port Adelaide:    = (16)    Mark Williams was overheard in a coaches meeting saying “Et Tu Dean”

KING FOR A DAY:   
Kurt Tippett  / Patrick Dangerfield:    How does Neil Craig not get the most out of these two each week. They are super dominant forces with ready-made nicknames. Demolished Essendon last week and I reckon this will be a common theme over the next decade. (not just happening to Essendon)

FOOL FOR A LIFETIME:
Kobiyashi – The Sausage Samurai Warrior, the Hero of the Hot Dog… had a major meltdown prior to the Coney Island hot dog eating competition on July 4th. He is a hero of mine and I emulate his water-dip technique when eating anything. Unfortunately fame went to his head and he got into a dispute with the Major League Eating consortium who monitor competitive eating contests world-wide. Being blackballed from the Melbourne Cup of the eating season hurt the Tsunami and he ended up gate-crashing the event and being arrested. The money quote: “I am very hungry, I wish there were hot dogs in jail.”